Supernatural
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Jack: This is Torchwood Three. Torchwood One was London... destroyed in the Battle. Torchwood Two is an office in Glasgow — very strange man. Torchwood Three, Cardiff. Torchwood Four has kinda gone missing but we'll find it one day.
Torchwood
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Sam: Dude you mind not eating those on my bed?
Dean: No, I don't mind.
Supernatural
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Gwen: Jack, have you got any more of those pretty boys in the freezer?
Jack: Hands off there, missy. Tosh got there first.
Torchwood
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Ianto: They know more about this place than I do. (bangs fist on table) Nobody knows more than I do!
Torchwood
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Bernard (about the job): The pay's not great, but the work is hard.
Black Books
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Edmund (after surveying the battle of Bosworth Field): Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're just lying down!
Baldrick: They're dead, my lord.
Edmund: Ah!
Black Adder
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Sally: Patrick, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?
Patrick: Men?
Coupling
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Bernard (discussing the shop's new security system): OK, for the moment, just tell me the code.
Manny (panicky): There was a little man!
Bernard: ..."There was a little man," that's the code?
Manny: No, no, no, I didn't actually hear the code because he had a little man in his hair!
Bernard (annoyed): ...Well, the little man in my hair is getting very, VERY angry.
Black Books
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Customer: How much is this?
Bernard: Three pounds.
Customer (wagging head): Ahh. Mmm...
Bernard: Is there something wrong with your head? (customer keeps wagging head) Are you wagging it to say "no there is nothing wrong with my head", is it just uncontrollable?
Customer: Uhh...
Bernard: You want the price put down?
Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds.
Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering on a book a mere 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
Black Books
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BEST TWO QUOTES EVER ON BLACK BOOKS
Manny: Bernard, where's the thing?
Bernard: It's on the thing next to the thing!
***
Bernard: Aaargh! The key won't go into the thing!
Fran: Bernard, you're using your finger...
Bernard: Oh yes!
***
Next -> all from: Never mind the Buzzcocks
Ricky Wilson: I am contractually obliged to say "I predict a laugh riot!"... I feel so dirty!
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Simon Amstell: What's the "push push"?
Amy Winehouse: I don't know, it's my new thing.
Simon: Is it? I thought it was crack.
Amy: Do I look like Russell Brand?
Simon: Uh, yes.
***
Simon: You look like you haven't aged in 15 years.
John Barrowman: That's what the TARDIS does to you.
Simon: ...You sure it isn't the botox?
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Kelli feels Barrowman's bottom
Phill Jupiters: You realize the Daily Mail's going to be in uproar about that bit of the show. "Black lady touches homosexual on television!"
Barrowman: "With white man in the middle!"
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Donny Tourette: You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets
Bill Bailey: Yeah...
Donny: Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.
Bill: Oooh!
Simon: I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian...you won't win!
***
Simon: Donny is unhappy...
Donny: No, that's bullshit, they didn't win. You gave them easier questions 'cause they're retards.
Simon: Punks love points...
Bill: Yeah, "Smash the system but...can he have another point?". You're about as punk as Enya!
***
Noel Fielding: I like the authentic punk dance. That is like a child dizzy on lemonade.
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After watching a video of Donny Tourette shouting
Phill: I like the way that you had all that aggression, and then at the end you just sat down and crossed your legs...
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Ed Byrne: I love that you called him "Snoop Doggy Dog"... It's Snoop Dog.
Simon: Getting advice from the middle aged man in a hoodie...
Ed: The only person who'd call him Snoop Doogy Dog is his mother and then only when he's in trouble..."Snoop Doggy Dog! Clean these hoes out of your bedroom!"
***
Simon: Khrishnan, what do you think we should do about hunger?
Khrishnan Guru-Murthy: Feed people.
***
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